I’ve talked about this quite a bit. But never on here. And not in writing. So I figure I should get it out while it’s all still fresh in my mind. So I can look back over it one day and see how I felt at the time.
I finally did it. I switched my major. College is completely ridiculous. It’s supposed to be a time where you can find yourself. And discover who you are. But no. Not anymore. You can’t do that. If you haven’t decided who you are and what you want to be by the time you’re a senior in high school, well then you are just royally fucked. You’re supposed to be able to hold off on deciding a major until your junior year in college. But HA. Yeah right. Not anymore. With the financial burden of college, no one can take classes for the sake of taking classes anymore. And, well, what in the hell is the point of that? If I can’t figure out what I like before being forced to decide what I want to do for the rest of my life, how is that fair to anyone? That being said, I just wish students still had opportunities to take which ever classes they want their freshman year (within reason) to decide “HEY! This is actually really great and I can really see myself doing something like this in a few years.” But it’s not like that anymore is it? It’s a lot of “Well.. This pays well, and I’m sort of okay at it. So I guess I can do it for a career.” But then here’s what happens, you’re miserable for the rest of your life.
It was when I realized that if I continued down the path that I was going, I would genuinely be completely miserable for the rest of my life. It got to the point where I couldn’t even see myself in that position. No matter how hard I tried. I couldn’t see myself doing anything close to something like Engineering. Something so impersonal. It was useless. I was always unhappy because I would think about how unhappy I would be in the future. But I stuck with it. Because I thought, in the end it will be worth it. As time went on, however, it was never worth it. I just grew more and more pessimistic about my future. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was done worrying about classes I had no passion for. I genuinely dreaded walking onto campus everyday because I felt like I had nothing to look forward to. It was just another chore. So I did it. One night I did some research on how many hours//classes I would lose if I decided to change my major to Math. Go figure, I would lose a lot, BUT I would still be able to graduate on time. And in addition to that, I would be able to get a Secondary Teaching Certification. It was in those two days that I realized that teaching is something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do, but know what held me back from it? How much it pays. That’s when I realized how completely stupid I was being. Money? I was going to be miserable for my whole life because of a paycheck? Money will come and go. But that’s all it is. Just money. And it’s not as if teachers are not financially stable. Financial stability comes with almost any career. In fact, the world will always need teachers. So forget everyone who condescendingly says “What are you going to do with that degree? Teach?” Because where would they be without their teachers? Absolutely fucking nowhere. I’ve always said that I want to make a difference in someone’s life. I finally think I’ve found the way to do it. Because if I can be anyone’s “that teacher” that refuels the fire they have in their heart for math, like was done by my Calculus teacher in high school, well then that’s good enough for me. One person is all it takes.
So, sure, I won’t be able to sleep on a mattress stuffed with $100 bills. That’s pretty unrealistic anyway. But you know what? I am perfectly okay with that. Because I will actually be able to go to sleep with a smile on my face, excited for the day that is to come.
diemarysues-deactivated20110208 asked: *hugs* I do know some of what you're feeling, bb. My mum was quite blunt, though, in what I could or couldn't do. Writing wasn't one of them, but dentistry was, and that's where I am now. I can't see myself happy at peering into people's mouths, and taking five years (or more) to do that is even worse.
However, this isn't about me. I'm here if you ever need to vent, bb. Though I may not be on often, if you send me a message I will take the time to reply. I do hope things get better. <3
Thank you, I really appreciate that. Yeah, I got really lucky with my parents saying “We don’t care what you get a degree in, just get a degree.”
I don’t know. I just feel really irrelevant right now. As if I probably won’t make any sort of difference. But that’s just the wrong attitude isn’t it?
Lacking a sense of direction is the worst feeling. I don’t like getting lost while driving much less getting lost in life.
Wow cool analogy Falak.
Thanks again for listening. I might have to take you up on that offer one day.
I just don’t know what I want to do anymore. All I know is that I’m not enjoying anything right now. I don’t like my major. I’m not happy. Not even remotely. I’m tired all the time. And I just wish there was someone who knows what they’re doing to talk to about this. Someone who will at least just listen to me complain for a little bit, someone who can offer me some advice that I can take solace in.
I get sick to my stomach thinking about my future, and not even the “Will I have a job?” part but the “Will I be happy?” part. And that’s the worst of it all.
Thinking Knowing at times, that I won’t be happy in the long run. It all feels so useless to think that all this time and money I’ve invested is going to go to hell if I decide to switch majors now. I know my parents say “Whatever you do, we’ll be happy,” and as much as I know that’s true, I also know that we can’t afford for me to change my mind so frequently.
Can life just be like The Giver? Just assign me a future.
There should just a test to see if you’ll be successful in your ventures, but I suppose that takes the excitement out of taking risks.
Maybe I’ve just hit a slump, where I lack motivation and energy. I wish I had a reason to be excited about what I’m doing. But at this point, I have nothing but anxiety.
I’m actually pretty surprised how much writing everything out made me feel slightly better. And if I don’t leave this here, I know it’ll get lost elsewhere eventually.
I wish I was more like Donna Noble. So what if she’s a fictional character? She’s still incredible.
If she can go from a life of monotony to a life of the extraordinary, so can anyone right? I mean minus the TimeLord//Alien situation she had going on. I can honestly say that she’s probably one of the bravest characters I’ve ever seen on television or otherwise. But what does it say about me if she’s the one from whom I draw inspiration?
Well, I guess I don’t care about that. Not really. But I do care about the fact that, if one day the opportunity presents itself, I’ll have the courage to step into that TARDIS. Metaphorically of course, I’m not delusional.
I’m going to start trying to post a picture or so everyday on here. Not of myself, but just… things. Since I’m [[obviously]] not the most eloquent of beings and I generally can’t get what I want to say from my head onto paper, or blog//Tumblr post, in this case, doing this will probably help. A picture speaks a thousand words and all that.
Who knows? Maybe I’ll finally begin to enjoy the mundanity of my life at the moment.
Obviously I don’t remember how we got there (Inception. 8D) BUT my mom, sister, and I were in my house and I was like “LOLWOW GUYS, It’s really cold in here. Why? It’s like dead in the middle of summer.” So I look outside and we’re like in the clouds. And I’m like “WHAT.” And my sister and mom are carrying about like it’s no big deal. And I’m freaking out and screaming, saying “WHY IS THIS NOT A BIG DEAL TO YOU? OUR WHOLE PLANET FREAKING MOVED. DO YOU SEE THIS? LOOK OUT THIS WINDOW, PENGUINS, AND LOOK OUT THAT WINDOW, POLAR BEARS. AND IT IS FREEZING. WE ARE IN THE CLOUDS.HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?” And they’re like “Chill out Falak, it happens all the time.” And I’m like “UH, ARE YOU PSYCHOTIC? THE PLANET DOES NOT MOVE ALL THE TIME. THIS IS CRAZY.” And then all of a sudden I guess the plant moves back to it’s original spot. Idek. And then I carry on as if nothing really matters. (Did you catch that reference? I hope so.)
And then in another dream, something happened happened involving how I met Jensen Ackles and how he thought I was fangirling over him when I wasn’t and I’m like “Dude, I’m not. My sister is. You can chill.” Then it got really disjointed and I can’t remember much except there were a few of my previous teachers in this hotel teaching classes in the ballrooms. And I left a pair of jeans in a closet? It was weird.
But I never usually remember my dreams, so I figure I should write this one down while it was still fresh.
Too bad I suck at making friends. Trololol~